Dreaming

Dreams suck.

Some of them are cool, like when I exist in Harry Potter’s world and I save the day.  Those dreams aren’t worth it.

Some dreams are neutral but annoying.  In high school I had the constant dream that I would wake up and get ready for school, only to discover that I was still in bed and I still had to go through the hassle of putting on clothes, tossing on makeup, and eating breakfast.  Devastating in my sixteen year old mind, but tolerable.

The worst dreams make dreaming in general not worth it.  I have a reoccurring dream where (long story short) my best friend from second grade gets stabbed in the eye.  I have dreams where my close friends betray me and leave me for deeply personal reasons.  I have dreams where close friends assault me.  I have dreams where I get kidnapped or tapped and hurt.  I have dreams where I’m stuck back in the worst year of my life.

I don’t know if I can call them nightmares.  I don’t wake up sweating.  I don’t scream out in the night (or my roommates don’t tell me so).  These are simply bad dreams and I don’t have them every night, so who am I to complain?

But when I wake up in the morning after having these dreams and I’m disturbed.  My days drag and anxiety plagues me.  I get nervous about seeing people who don’t even live in my state.  Feeling my heart race when I exercise terrifies me.

Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

What I’ve Learned From Not Buying Anything For the Past 6 Months — Becoming Minimalist

Note: This is a guest post by Britt from Tiny Ambitions. It’s weird to think I’m already six months into my year-long shopping ban, which means I’ve spent the last six months not buying anything other than the essentials: rent, food, and toiletries. Is that radical? Some people might say yes, but I don’t think…

via What I’ve Learned From Not Buying Anything For the Past 6 Months — Becoming Minimalist

 

I love the idea of a shopping ban! This is such a great article and I love that this person has been able to learn so much and resist shopping in our world! So awesome and inspirational!

A Boring Blog Post

I have nothing to say.

Life is boring, I’m boring, I have nothing to share.  It’s not that I haven’t been doing things, because I have.  I threw my best friend a surprise party for his birthday.  I’ve had some pretty exciting health problems.  I spent a weekend with some of my closest friends having buckets of fun.  I’ve been working out more than I have in the past three years.  I’m in my last semester of school and I’ve had experiences in my classes.  Nothing I have done and nothing I have thought has been something to write about, it hasn’t been something to share.

It’s actually been really frustrating.  Nothing has been interesting.  All of these exciting things are happening, but none of it is interesting.

I can’t help but wonder what part my depression is playing in this.  I never want to do anything, I would rather just sit around and do nothing.  I want to sleep for 10 hours every night.  My hobbies strike me as boring.  I am having a hard time caring about my classes, it took a D on an exam to shake me into trying in academia.  I haven’t looked for a single job even though I desperately need a job in the Fall.  I cry a great deal, usually at least once a day.  I’ve called my doctor and my medications have been increased.  So far no avail.  I have no motivation and I go to bed feeling defeated and lost every night.

Life is boring and I am boring.

A Minimalist Wedding

Well folks, I’m getting married.

I got engaged on March 24th, 2018.  I did not see it coming.  My fiancé and I decided to get married back on February 18th, but I didn’t expect him to propose until late April or early May.  He definitely caught me by surprise which is a huge feat.  It was adorable, romantic, and joyful.  We celebrated directly after with a bottle of sparkling cider and calling all of the important people in our lives to let them know that it’s finally official.

I’m beyond excited to marry my best friend and to be sealed to him for eternity, but I dread having a wedding.

The wedding industry breeds on consumerism.  Cost of Wedding says that “the average wedding cost in the United States is $25,764. Couples, on average, spend between $19,323 and $32,205 but, most couples spend less than $10,000. This does not include cost for a honeymoon.”  Think of all the things you have to buy for a wedding.  Dress, tux, engagement and wedding rings, venues, decorations, food, chair covers, flowers, and a million other things.

Why not get eloped?

Both of us wanted to get eloped in the beginning.  At times we look back and wish we had taken the opportunity to do so.  Eloping is cheap and fights against the consumerism and commercialism of marriage which is supposed to be about the love between two individuals.  I wanted my wedding to be about two people: my best friend and me.

We decided against eloping.  We wanted our family to be involved.  I wanted my mom to be there and my mom also really wanted to be there.  He wants his folks to be there.  We want our closest friends to celebrate with us.  We want our families to be the focus of the day.  My family, his family, our family.

The ban on receptions.

While we are inviting our family and closest friends to an after-temple-wedding party, we are refusing to have receptions of any sort. We refuse to put on the show that we are expected to put on.  Not only is it unnecessary, but it is way to much for our thin college-student wallets.  Open houses are an option for us.  In-house small parties give us a small opportunity to receive gifts and have fun with people we haven’t seen in a while.

Why I don’t want to go with the flow.

There is a reason that we want to keep the wedding simple and cheap, beyond it merely saving us money.  It is partially because I personally don’t believe in consumerism nor do I believe in the commercialization of love between two people.  I find it unnecessary and uncomfortable for me personally.  Neither of us care about the show.  But, we also want to travel.  My fiancé and I love travelling and experiencing new cultures.  We like learning, adventuring, and enjoying different styles of life.  We’re choosing to prioritize quality time and novel experiences over a traditional wedding.

My final thoughts on weddings.

Traditional weddings are fun and memorable, but I am so happy with the decisions we are making.  The small celebrations we are having put me (and my bank account) at great ease.

I will always recommend a small wedding or eloping if you’re down for it.  If you ever need someone on your side or you need someone to answer questions when you want a tiny wedding, I will always be available for you to contact and talk to.

Putting it All Together-Four

To open, please allow me to be real with the world and with myself:  Life sucks.  Life is hard.  Life is awful and sometimes I can barely take it.  My life can seem so chaotic and hellish and painful that I wonder why I’m still breathing.  I know I’m not alone in those thoughts.  There are many of you out there who are barely getting by with very little energy and very little faith, hope, or happiness.  Life is sometimes nothing more than a huge pile of crap that we have to wade through with nothing on but basketball shorts, a T-shirt, and flip flops.

Happiness can seem very far away and unattainable.  Joy?  Hardly seems to exist let alone be felt in each human soul.  In the Book of Mormon, 2nd Nephi chapter 2 verse 25, that “Adam fell that man might be; and men are, that they might have joy.”  In modern words, this verse says that the fall of Adam occurred to allow for more humans to come to Earth.  Men are created so that they may feel joy.  God has created humans and sent us to Earth in order to feel true joy.  Well why is that a good idea?  Because to me, it doesn’t seem like the brightest idea.  Earth is not my favorite place to be.

Here’s the rational, bear with me:  In the pre-mortal life, we lived with God.  He created us, we lived with Him, it was awesome.  Alas, we could not feel joy.  We weren’t sad in Heaven, no way.  But we couldn’t experience joy either.

It’s like if you eat literally only cream of wheat every day of your life (I know it doesn’t give you all the nutrients you need, just work with me here).  If you only had cream of wheat, you’d be like “Yup this is food and this is food that I eat and it’s normal and fine.”  You wouldn’t have any strong opinions of it and you couldn’t! Because you had no reason to think that any food is any different?  Then let’s say you moved out of your sheltered little cabin where you only ate cream of wheat and suddenly you were in downtown Portland, Oregon.  Food shops everywhere.  You try a kale smoothie, and it’s bitter and it leaves an awful taste in your mouth.  Gross, bad, negative.  You now know that cream of wheat makes you feel happier than kale does.  Cool things, comparisons.  Then you eat a deep fried peanut butter jelly sandwich.  Wow, it tastes so sweet!  There is so much flavor! This food makes you even happier.  Then you see a little ice cream shop and you decide to try a strawberry-raspberry slushie.  It’s the sweetest thing that has ever been in your mouth.  You now have a knowledge of sweet, average, and bitter flavors.  Because you’ve had something as bitter as kale, the strawberry-raspberry slushie seems exceedingly sweet in comparison.

Okay cool, kinda maybe makes sense.  Now, why couldn’t we feel joy in Heaven?

We read about Adam and Eve.  They knew nothing of good and evil and they did not feel joy or sorrow.  I’m sure they were plenty content, but they weren’t feeling joy.  It’d be a bummer, I mean, if they knew how to feel bummed.  When they ate the forbidden fruit, they gained wisdom of good and of evil, they suddenly had a sense of morality, essentially.  In the pre-mortal life, we were much like Adam and Eve before they ate the forbidden fruit.  We did not know good from evil and therefor could never know happiness or sadness.

Why?  What about knowing good and evil helps us feel joy and sorrow?

Alma 41 teaches us that “wickedness never was happiness” (verse 10).  Then, in Mosiah 2 verse 41, we learn about how righteousness brings us joy.

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.

We cannot feel happiness if we are not being righteous and if we do not know good from evil.  And if evil can’t bring us happiness, then only righteousness and obedience to the commandments of the Lord can.

Now, please believe me when I tell you all that being obedient to the Lord’s commandments will indeed bless you and bring you comfort.  Please also believe me when I say that being obedient and righteous will not and cannot solve all of your adversities.  You can be the most righteous ever and still feel immense amounts of sorrow.

There are many reasons as to why we feel pain and adversity.  In a talk called “Come What May, and Love it,” Joseph B. Wirthlin discusses adversity, its purpose, and how we can achieve happiness in it.

Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.

Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.

Wirthlin speaks of a saying that his mother told him after one particularly awful day in his youth.  “Come what may, and love it,” she said to him.  Those words stuck with him for all of his life.  Something that he said struck me as particularly important.

How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.

Adversity can be so challenging and so impossible to endure. I know that life can be just the worst, so exhausting and terrifying.  But as Wirthlin says, adversity can lead us to the greatest paths of happiness if we work to make it so.

Wirthlin ended his talk by giving wonderful advice, saying that “As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective, understand the principle of compensation, and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure hardship and trial. We can say . . . ‘Come what may, and love it.'”

Life is awful, terrible, horrifying, scary, painful, torturous, and every single other negative adjective that you can think of.  But, friends, there are indeed ways to find happiness in this life.  There are ways to find joy, and every adversity you face is helping you to do so.

I want to bear my testimony to the world, internet, to my Savior, and to myself that I know that there is happiness that can be part of every life.  Look to your Savior for guidance and assistance and joy will be found.

I love you all,

-Lena Holiday

Answers to Prayers

Recently I have had a difficult time feeling the Spirit, or rather, I have been having a difficult time understanding how I feel the Spirit.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I believe that Heavenly Father speaks to each individual through the power of the Holy Spirit, or the Holy Ghost.  Everyone feels the Holy Ghost in their lives in different ways.  The most common way we hear about it is perhaps not the most common way that it is felt.  We hear stories about how someone struggled with a question and they prayed about it long and hard.  Then their answer came to them in the form of a physical voice being heard and a “burning in their bosom” being felt.  Some people flip open their scriptures right to a verse that answers their question perfectly.  Others might meet someone who talks to them and gives them the comfort that they need.  There are so many different ways to feel the Spirit.  This article is as much for the audience as it is for me exploring how I personally feel the Spirit.

Heavenly Father and I know how our relationship works, though I sometimes forget.  He doesn’t often give me answers that I want until I decide on an answer for myself.  When I picked my college, when I chose to serve a mission, when I chose who I wanted to marry.  If I’m making a choice and I want guidance, I don’t get my answer until after I have made a decision.  My Father in Heaven expects me to use my agency to make a decision to the best of my ability after counseling with those I trust and studying on the topic.  After a decision has been reached, the Spirit will either confirm or deny my idea by giving me a feeling of discomfort and restlessness or it will give me a feeling of peace and calm.  When I experience the unease of a wrong choice, I know that it’s time for me to move past that choice and consider my other options.

This isn’t to say that I let my fear stop me from choosing a choice.  I don’t always choose the easiest choice available to me.  In fact, I often feel the most peace when I choose a very difficult and uncomfortable choice.  When I chose to serve a mission, I felt a great deal of peace, despite a proselyting mission being a close replication of hell designed specifically for me.

Feeling at peace in contrast to feeling uneasy is not the only way I feel the Spirit.  I often hear the Spirit in form of my own thoughts.  When I remind myself out of the blue to pay my tithing, I know that the thought came from the Spirit reminding me to be obedient to the commandments of the Lord.  When I think to myself, “maybe I need a priesthood blessing” or “Oh ye of little faith” I know that the Holy Ghost is with me reminding me to be the person Christ knows I can be.  If I ever think something and subsequently wonder if that thought was from the Holy Ghost, I can usually count on that thought being from the Holy Ghost.

Sometimes when I feel the Spirit, I cry but other times I feel like my heart is full of love.  Sometimes I find a scripture that perfectly helps my situation and other times I meet and talk to someone who answers my prayers without knowing.  I receive answers to prayers in so many different ways and I sometimes forget that my Father knows exactly how I need to hear the answers He has for me.  I’m learning to love the way He works and I’m learning to appreciate and notice the way He answers my prayers.

I’m blessed to have a relationship with my Father in Heaven and I’m blessed that He loves me enough to communicate with me on a regular and daily basis.

-Lena

Putting it All Together-Three

I attend school at Brigham Young University-Idaho and this is my third blog post for my religion class.
I write about religion quite often.  Specifically, I write about my personal experiences with religion quite often.  I have shared my testimony on this blog honestly and openly.  Topics of Christ, fasting, the Book of Mormon, culture in the church, God’s plan, God’s love for me, and other topics have been addressed.  Now, I want to write about preparing ourselves for salvation.
What is salvation?  Russell M. Nelson answered this question when he gave a General Conference talk in April of 2008 titled “Salvation and Exaltation.”
To be saved—or to gain salvation—means to be saved from physical and spiritual death. Because of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, all people will be resurrected and saved from physical death. People may also be saved from individual spiritual death through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, by their faith in Him, by living in obedience to the laws and ordinances of His gospel, and by serving Him.
Notice Nelson’s talk title: “Salvation and Exaltation.”  There is more covered in this talk than salvation.  Nelson discusses individual and family responsibilities on our progression towards salvation.  He discusses how our ancestors affect our journey towards our Father.  Now, Nelson defined salvation, which I have shared, but what about exaltation?  How is it different?
To be exalted—or to gain exaltation—refers to the highest state of happiness and glory in the celestial realm. These blessings can come to us after we leave this frail and mortal existence. The time to prepare for our eventual salvation and exaltation is now.
We read all over the scriptures that there are some things that we need to do in order to enter Heaven.  First, in 1 Nephi 10 we read that “…no unclean thing can dwell with God.”  Many have wondered what exactly makes us unclean.  Uncleanliness is found in each and every single one of us as we are imperfect.  Uncleanliness comes to us when we are impure in our actions, when we sin and we choose not to be Christlike.  Each of us is unclean, and the only way to become clean is through repentance.  When we come unto Christ and we allow Him to take our sins away from us, “though [our] sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”  (Isaiah 1)  Our Savior has provided us with the perfect way to become clean.  We are able to become perfectly clean within His grace that He provides for every child of God.
I could write an 800 page book on repentance and I would still have so much more to say.  I don’t want to skim over repentance at the risk of deeming it unimportant, but I do want to cover more information about other ways to prepare for salvation.
Faith on the Lord is required in order to partake of Christ’s Atonement.  Without faith, repentance cannot be fully realized.  Service to the Lord and His children is vital to proving our love for the Lord.  Being obedient and striving to improve is the only way to truly repent of our sins.
I don’t want to only receive immortality, no.  I want to reach eternal life where I can live with Heavenly Father, my husband, my children, my parents, and my siblings for all of eternity.  There is so much to be gained as we work towards reaching salvation.
I want to emphasize an earlier point made by Nelson, discussed in Alma 34.

32 For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.

33 And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many witnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed.

My friends, I want to bear my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel.  Christ is my Savior as He is yours.  Christ died for every single sin that has ever been committed.  Every bit of good in the world, comes from Him and we are all blessed to have the Light of Christ within us.  Salvation is ours, living with our Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father is ours if we but only choose it by choosing to rely on our Heavenly Parents and our Savior and the Spirit of God for help and reassurance.  I love the Lord and I love my family.  I cannot wait to spend eternity with the ones I love.
-Lena

Unprepared Adults

There are so many skills that are needed to make it through life on your own.  Emerging adults, teenagers, are not taught some of the most vital skills that help them navigate life as an adult.  Some kids never learn to cook, some kids never learn to do laundry.  Finances, budgeting, taxes, buying a house, choosing an apartment to rent, house chores, car maintenance, time management, personal safety, basic gardening, working through hard situations, working with difficult people, fixing small clothing problems, creating healthy meals, relying on others, writing a resume, nailing an interview, basic first aid, goal setting, and many more skills.  I was fortunate enough to learn quite a few skills, but there is such a wide blank space of things that I don’t know and need to know.

Entering adulthood without these necessary and helpful skills is super terrifying.  Not knowing how to plan out healthy meals and eating crap food all the time can be really stressful on the body and can lead to some poor consequences.  Not knowing how to follow a budget cleanly is awful and ends up with a lot of wasted money.  Entering a challenging situation that you lack skills for is stressful, especially when you feel a pressure to know all of these skills.

If there are parents failing to prepare their children and the school systems in America are refusing to prepare students for future life, then what are we to do?  How do we gain the skills necessary to thrive?

Luckily, we live in an awesome age where the internet provides a great deal of knowledge to us.  YouTube can show us how to cook, do laundry, fix our cars, dress appropriately for an interview, communicate better, do taxes, and fix our clogged drains.  Heck, YouTube can teach us how to play musical instruments.  In addition to YouTube and self-help articles online, we have countless books about finances and budgeting.  We have books about communication, getting and keeping jobs, and improving ourselves in every aspect of life we could think of.

We are stuck learning how to be functioning adults on our own.  It’s no easy task and it takes a great deal of time and dedication, but we can definitely learn to ‘adult’ all on our own.  For example, I’m taking a three credit money management class next semester online even though I will also be taking my last 15 Psychology credits that I need in order to graduate with my BS.  I plan on reading books and books about communication, getting and keeping jobs, and marriage in the immediate future.  I’m going to continue searching the internet for job ideas that I might want to hold long term.  I’ll be talking to my parents and siblings and in-laws about cooking, parenting, car fixes, housekeeping, and taxes.  I will be using all of my resources to figure out how to be a good adult, friend, coworker, employee, wife, and mother.  I’m going to work my tail off to be the highest functioning person that I can possibly be.

I would have benefited from a better high school education and from parents who spent more time teaching each child various tasks.  Unfortunately, I live in America where the education system is inadequate and I grew up in a family where my parents were far too busy working their tails off for me and my siblings to teach us how to pay taxes and save money.  Many people my age are experiencing the same lack of preparation that I am, but we’re learning to thrive despite our lack of knowledge.  I’m impressed by the people in my generation who have had to teach themselves how to function when all other areas failed them.

Keep your chin up and keep working.

-Lena

I’ve Been Fasting

Photo by Diana Simumpande on Unsplash

I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, much of the world recognizes us as the Mormons.  The LDS church holds “Fast Sundays” every month, often the first Sunday of the month.  On these days, members are asked by the Lord to fast for 24 hours from food or water.  Many members choose to fast breakfast and lunch, resuming consumption of food during dinner time.  Other members choose to fast the full 24 hours.  Members who fasted then donate a sum of money equivalent to the amount of money they saved by not eating food.  They donate this sum to the church for it to be distributed to those in need of money for food.  Fasting is a practice meant to engage in self-control and to sacrifice something important to show our love for the Lord.  It is a test of faith, obedience, and dedication.

All of this being said, I have never been good at fasting.  I always seemed to get lightheaded early in the day, I wouldn’t control my environment enough to resist temptation, I would never fast for a purpose, the list of reasons I have failed in fasting so often is a long one.  To this day I still struggle with fasting on Fast Sunday and I see this as a great source of not only embarrassment, but shame.  I want to obey my Father and I want to fast, but I am failing to show my desire to obey in this area of my life repeatedly.

Recently I decided to begin searching for alternatives.  What other things could I fast for?  I didn’t want to find an easy way out, but I didn’t want to keep trying and failing to fast for my Father.  I asked friends, scriptures, and the internet for answers, finding many different options to fast from, aside from food.  After thinking over the different options presented to me, I realized that I was already fasting.

In the fall, I started looking at my meat consumption.  My main goal was to reduce my meat consumption for a few reasons.  I knew that our Father had asked us to eat meat sparingly and I knew that refraining from eating meat was an environmentally friendly option.  Those two were my biggest drives to consider my meat consuming habits.  I knew, though, that if I didn’t eat meat, my diet would lack protein in a significant way.  I decided to cut out a large selection of meat from my diet.  I cut out beef and pork, refraining from eating meat coming from animals with four legs.  I gave up many foods that I enjoy including pepperoni, hot dogs, sausages, burgers, pot roast, pigs in a blanket, and my favorite lasagna.  This dietary restriction has definitely been a sacrifice in my life.  But this is a sacrifice that I am more than willing to make.

It has been almost 6 months since I started this fast, and I’m really appreciating the experience.  I’ve learned that I have more self-control than I had previously supposed.  I’ve learned that I don’t need to eat every single food that I sometimes enjoy.  I’ve learned that I am really enjoying practicing self-control.  I love that I am achieving my goal of reducing my meat consumption for environmental reasons.  I love that I am simplifying my life by taking a few foods out.  I love that I am fasting for things that I believe in and it is a way that I can continue to fast and work on my relationship with my Lord.

I know that it may seem odd and perhaps unrelated to my religion, but this is honestly a time when I get to consider what I am thankful for, think about how my actions impact others, learn about controlling my simple desires, and learn more about reaching for and sticking to my goals.  At the end of this fast–which will either be at the end of this summer or the beginning of this fall–I will donate a sum of money to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as an offering of all of the money I saved not purchasing certain meat products with the knowledge that my donation will reach those who often have to go hungry and it will help them come closer to a solution to their problems.

I’m thankful for the gospel, I am thankful for my opportunity to fast, and I’m thankful for my Father in Heaven who challenges me to improve myself in every way I can.

-Lena