I can sit and stare at this screen for hours and I’ll write small bits and phrases or a sentence here or a sentence there but I can never really find a whole idea that I want to pursue. I have so many words swirling around in my head but I find it so hard to actually put into word what I am feeling. I cannot accurately describe the state I’m in or what the matter is. Even when I try to communicate calmly and steadily, I end up saying things that don’t fully represent my thoughts. It’s becoming frustrating to me that I can never say what I mean. A lot of the time I flounder when I try to even understand for myself what I feel, so it’s really no huge surprise that that I don’t know how to communicate what’s up. I know that it frustrates people. My mom is really good at reading me and she gives advice that she knows I need. But the rest of the world isn’t my mom and they don’t know how to help me, largely because I don’t know how to help myself. I’m overwhelmed with how I feel but I don’t know how I feel. I recently posted a list of things that are stressing me out. I’m just letting everything get to me and I can’t take even ten seconds for myself to breathe and try to process everything. I keep pushing myself and pushing myself and I’m finding it really hard to let myself go slow.
What am I feeling?
I’m physically exhausted and still a bit sick. Right now I’m hungry but I haven’t had a big appetite recently, food seems boring and gross. My body hurts and I hurt. My heart is heavy, I’m sad, I’m tired, I feel pushed and pressured, I want to cry, I feel so little and small and sad. I feel helpless and hopeless. Here’s my thing right now: Life is hard and it will get better… But it will also get worse again. I want to believe that life will get better but won’t it also just continue to get worse? Where is the hope? Salvation from my Savior will only come after death. I will only be with my Heavenly Father after this life is over. This life doesn’t seem like it’s going to be good, okay, or worth it. I have very little hope for the future, I just can’t see a place for me where I will be happy and okay. I am sad and I have been sad for a long time. So why continue on? I don’t want to die, I don’t, but I really don’t want to keep going. I’m tired of it all, I’m tired of hurting and getting my hopes up and hurting more.
I also feel very low. I don’t feel important in much anyone’s lives and I’m scared that the few people who do care about me may get tired of me. I don’t know what I have to offer to others in their lives, I don’t feel like I really positively affect people. I am, however, really good at hurting people and letting them down. I don’t have faith or confidence in myself to be able to uplift and help people. I feel like I just drag everyone down. There’s not a lot in this life I feel like I’m good at. Or I’m good at some things but not good enough. Good enough for what? I don’t know. I have no idea. Good enough for everyone. Life is about making social connections and affecting and being affected by people, everyone talks about how important people are. I feel like I’m not good enough to be part of that circle of changing people and being part of other’s lives. I just don’t feel like I have a great deal of worth. I’m not super valuable, I’m not super great or special, I’m just a blank face on a disappointing woman who just needs to keep to herself and let other people alone.
I’m so low on hope. I don’t think I’ll ever find happiness, I really don’t think so. At least not where people are involved because I feel like I just ruin everything. Even when I try to fix things and I try to be good, I ruin things. I had a dream that I wanted to pursue, a while back. I’ll be alone for a long time and I’ll learn to be content with life as I strengthen my relationships with my siblings and parents. I’ll make friends with my coworkers and ladies in my wards. I’ll live alone with my dogs and cats. I’ll write, draw, paint, do yoga, stretch, meditate, read, go to social groups, participate in church, volunteer, have a job, but at the end of the day I’ll go home to be by myself. If I can just learn to love being by myself and not having a best friend, I could live alone, be alone, and find peace alone. Waiting to meet my Savior.
But now I have a person. And I’m so scared that I’m letting my best friend down. I’m so worried that I’m just hurting my best friend instead of lifting him up like I should be.
It’s scary, having someone trust you. Trusting is hard, sure, but having someone trust me is so hard. I have to not be a total disappointment and I feel awful when I do let my best friend down. I feel like I do it often, far too often.
I’m just scared. I’m scared and rambling because I have so many words in my head trying to get out. So many emotions are being felt but I can’t seem to identify them.
I feel so stuck, so lost, so alone.